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When one or both partners have experienced childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault, many couples have joyful, fulfilling, intimate sexual relationships. An experience of sexual abuse does not automatically mean that sex, sexual intimacy and sexual enjoyment will be difficult. This details some common difficulties, along with steps that can be taken to enhance sexual intimacy, for couples where a male partner has experienced childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault.

First, it is useful to remember that negotiating, developing and maintaining sexual intimacy can be a challenge in ANY relationship. In any sexual relationship, each partner will need to work out what is sensual, playful, sensitive, joyful and fulfilling for them. Each couple will need to work out how can they make this happen in safe, mutually satisfying ways. Typically, enjoying sexual intimacy in longer term relationships involves a bit of work.

So when he finally told me about the abuse I was totally knocked over! But, at the same time it kind of made sense. I had sometimes thought that maybe something might have happened to him. Whilst, I felt so sad for him, it was a relief to know. Disentangling what might be impacting on shared pleasure in sexual intimacy can be tricky.

It is important to consider additional factors that are known to impact on enjoying sex and sexual intimacy in relationships:. All of the above can Lady wants real sex Keen Mountain individual and couple sexual intimacy, and might need checking out and working on. It is not uncommon for men in our society to grow up believing sex is simply something that they do with their bodies, rather than an expression of emotional intimacy.

Also remember that expectations about sexuality and sexual relationships change! The idea that people in long term relationships should have a full and satisfying sex life, based in equality, is a recent one. See our on Men and intimacy. Given that sexual abuse involves unwanted sexual contact or inappropriate exposure, sex and sexually intimate relationships can easily become a place where difficulties might appear.

The difficulties are often identified later, when engaging in sex within the context of a loving relationship.

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If the sexual assault has occurred within an emotionally intimate relationship, for example with a trusted adult, then it makes sense that when sex and intimacy come together later in life alarm bells can sound. An experience of childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault can impact on sexual relationships in the following ways:. Most men are raised to believe that physical sexual arousal can only occur when there is sexual desire.

If a man has experienced physical arousal, even ejaculation, as part of being abused, it can be extremely confusing for him. He may believe that he was in some way responsible for what occurred, and this may even have been suggested to him by the abuser.

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Some straight identifying men may also have been told, or secretly fear, that they are gay. This can get in the way of emotional and sexual intimacy with partners. An experience of sexual abuse can produce a particular mind-set, or frame of reference, where sex become viewed in unhelpful negative terms, rather than a positive energy that consenting adults can enjoy.

See below for an excellent list compiled by Lady wants real sex Keen Mountain. Negotiating and enhancing a sexual relationship with a partner can be a challenge if the partner does not know about the experience of sexual abuse. This can further isolate the man and have him trying to control, work it out or manage situations and bodily reactions.

It now makes lots of sense to me what those things have been about and I can see that we can still have a close relationship without having to do it all. In fact, it is better now that I know what is uncomfortable for him and why. Be cautious of applying standardised sex therapy techniques for engagement and enhancing sexual pleasure. These may not consider and adjust for the influence of an experience of sexual abuse. Sex ought to be an enjoyable, fun, life giving aspect in intimate partner relationships. If difficulties continue after talking things through, and trying different ways to introduce more sexual intimacy into your relationship, do seek help from a qualified counsellor or sex therapist.

Ideally you are looking to talk with a professional person who has understanding, knowledge and experience in addressing histories of sexual trauma in ways that support enhancement of sexual intimacy. Andrei Reply September 2, at pm. Hi, not sure what to say. This article says many things about the way I feel. I was sexually abused by my brother at a young age. It was discovered and then stopped like it was a phase or naughty behaviour. I have issues with intimacy. My wife says sex is only on my terms. When I want it.

Our marriage is having major issues and this is a major cause. She feels rejected when I say no. I have low libido and trust is an issue. What should I do? Hi Andrei, Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us, and overcoming quite a lot of barriers to reach out for some advice. It can be such a challenge to tell a partner, or anyone really, about sexual abuse.

I think even that must not have been easy for you to do. I think that first it would be useful to tell your wife how much you value this relationship, and want to work things out and grow and improve together. I know that you do, because you have come here to seek help on it. That clearly shows how much you want to work on this. For your wife, simply knowing that you are willing to work Lady wants real sex Keen Mountain positive change could be very meaningful, encouraging and motivating.

Please know that relationships are absolutely a place you can work this out and improve on those qualities. Finally, Andrei, it is very much your choice whether or not you tell your wife about the abuse. If you are considering it but are still uncertain, perhaps it might be helpful to work first towards improving communication and intimate expression in general. Focus on learning how to be open, to respond, and support each other in helpful ways. Having said that, of course it is can be really useful for partners to understand what is going on and what the struggles are — not just for themselves, but also to enable you both to fully support each other.

I wish you the best Andrei. Please do get in touch with us if you would like any further support. Mark Reply May 9, at pm. Melissa Reply September 17, at am. I myself was in denial of what was happening, until my mother found bruises and biting marks on my arms. I never imagined abuse would be so hard to deal with. It really sounds to me that you need some support to help you process and work through the difficult thoughts and feelings you have been left with. I know it can be hard to trust again, but please consider going to see a counsellor specialised in dealing with abuse.

They will be able to help you get some perspective on the painful doubts and anxieties you mentioned, and hopefully also work with you to develop safe ways to be intimate with your partner — emotionally and physically. You demonstrate remarkable insight into how your experiences have affected you so profoundly, which le me to believe that deep down you know that those thoughts you are having are just that: thoughts; not facts.

Self- and other-judgements that have come about as a result of your recent experiences. But I thank you for sharing your story, Melissa. George Reply October 15, at am. Hi: I have been together with my wife for over 20 years.

Love-making was fine for the first few years; however, we did struggle a bit with differences in libido mine was higher. Gradually, I noticed that she would distance herself in subtle ways after making love. With time, it was more noticeable for me and about 8 years ago I pointed it out to her. She denied it at first but came to realize it herself and sought therapy.

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It was during one of the sessions with me as a participant that it came out that she was molested by her step-father with her mother in the room. When I asked why she did not inform me of this when we first met, she said she was confused about the whole thing and did not think it was important to do so. We have struggled with our intimacy ever since. She wold much rather hold and be held. This is fine at times but I go through periods when I am quite resentful and confused. I take marriage quite seriously so I find it crazy to leave a person that you love very much. The more connected I am with her, the more I crave some passion and not just hugging and intercourse.

This has gone on for so long lots of baggage that I wonder if it is possible to work through this. My wife says that she has made much progress in dealing with her past; however, it has not translated to any positive changes in our intimacy. As we go through these cycles of feeling OK and not, I feel I am wearing down and no longer am doing this with the hope of finding a resolution. Instead, I find myself doing whatever she wants with regards to intimacy and placing my needs on the back-burner.

I know this is not the way it should be but I have run out of ideas. Mary Reply October 30, at pm. I am beginning a relationship with an adult survivor of abuse. He has had therapy and I hope to have a healthy sexual relationship. He seems very interested in moving to a deeper level.

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How can I best manage this? I am aware that he has in the past engaged in sex to prove his manhood, but I am very strong in believing that intimacy is key to pleasure, that all things that consensual adults want is fun and part of growing towards a deeper relationship.

I am torn between simply modeling this behavior or actually talking about this with him prior to the beginning of any sexual intimacy. He has been very respectful of my boundaries, while strongly indicating his interest. Huuvola Reply November 2, at am. He slaps me away if I reach for his genitals, does not allow oral sex giving or receivingand rarely engages me sexually. The few times we do have intercourse he jumps up immediately after, dresses, and leaves the room.

Is it me?! Mel Reply November 5, at pm. My boyfriend well now ex-boyfriend of ten months recently told me he was sexually abused by his older brother. In the same breathe, he told me he loved me for the first time. Things between us have been fraught for the last couple of months, a lack of intimacy and him distancing himself from me. When I confronted him about it, this is when he told me.

Things started to go wrong between us when his brother came to visit. My ex-boyfriend then became really withdrawn and depressed and distance himself from me. He says he loves me too much for that.

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I also found out that the day before he told me, he had been cheating on me with another girl. What can I do? There seems to be a constant pattern in his life of running away from relationships and life in general and I just want to get him help and be there to support him. Carol Reply December 29, at pm. Similar story just recently happened to me. However, not having any prior experience and very little knowledge of issues these men face, I felt totally blindsided and rejected when he ended things in a text of all things.

He can not even bring himself to not only face me, but not even a conversation. Totally cut me out. Okay, I am talking about a 53 year old man, not a guy in his twenties. It does feel like I am collateral damage. So sad that someone ruined a good man…. It sounds like such a tough situation for you both.

Ultimately the decision is up to him. My advice would be to take care of yourself — do things that build your own resilience and coping after these difficulties. Dave sams Reply May 5, at am. Hi Mary You have just described me. I am 53 now and I have always been f…. As I was abused as a boy.

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